All of us can relate to the stress of feeling left out, picked on or teased. Learning how to deal with those unfortunate but common situations was the goal of Cherry Creek School District’s Parent Information Network meeting, “Little Girls Can Be Mean.”

Local author and speaker Michelle Anthony shared her expertise this week with nearly 300 local parents (mostly moms, but a few dads too!) offering anecdotes from her own life with her two young daughters who attend school in the Cherry Creek School District.

Anthony has always been passionate about her work with families and children. She earned her PhD in developmental psychology from the University of California, Berkeley. She has been a speaker at various international conferences on issues related to education and development, in addition to writing for Scholastic’s Parent and Child Magazine.

As a result of her own daughter becoming involved in a series of “mean girl” interactions in first grade, Anthony’s interest in this topic became personal. Her talk for PIN was based on her book, Little Girls Can Be Mean.

She explained to parents the difference between “physical aggression” and “relational aggression.” Relational aggression is more common with girls. It usually involves tactics such as exclusion, giving a friend the silent treatment, gossip, teasing and backstabbing.

“It’s a move for social power; its effects usually last longer; it often involves a friend; and it typically involves multiple people,” Anthony said. “It’s hurtful and confusing because usually the other girls involved are friends, or thought they were friends.”

That’s in contrast to physical aggression which usually involves children who do not consider one another a friend. The crisis is typically an immediate blow-up.

Anthony introduced a four-step process parents can use to help their children identify and deal with tough situations. Parent and child should work through the steps together, with the parent guiding the child without providing answers.   

• Observe – What is the background of the situation? Have there been recent changes? Are there other considerations?
• Connect – What does the child wish would happen? What outcome does she prefer? “Share stories and connect vs. correct,” Anthony said.
• Guide – List all the possibilities, role-play various scenarios, support the weak areas.
• Support – Support how your child decides to act on the situation. The adult becomes an interested — but not overly interested! — observer.

Anthony stressed the importance of step 2, connecting. “That’s the part of this process where you really need to focus on relating to your child. Don’t solve their problem. Don’t act like you know ‘better,’ just try to relate and understand,” she said.

She recommended sharing experiences from your childhood. “You must remember that these problems feel so immense to a child. Children don’t necessarily realize that other people have survived these problems too.”

Kim Chang, who has children who attend  Indian Ridge Elementary School, came to the PIN meeting to obtain insight on how to guide her daughter as she grows.

“This helped me understand that little girls aren’t intentionally mean.” In the program, Anthony explained that young girls, usually those younger than eight years, are accidentally mean. “They don’t necessarily realize that their actions have been at the expense of others,” she said.

At that age, Anthony said girls are learning how to make, and be, friends; discovering ways to be important to someone else; and figuring out what it means to be powerful in a relationship.

Denice Dirks, also an Indian Ridge parent, said when her children have had issues, she’s been told by teachers or administrators to let them “work it out,” on their own. “Now I have a more clear understanding of how to do help guide my children through that process,” she said.

March PIN Meeting, 9:15 to 11:15 a.m. (9 a.m. for coffee and networking) on March 6 at the Student Achievement Resource Center (SARC). The topic is: Family Dynamics, When One Child Requires More Time and Energy – Laura Ayers, CCSD mom and parent mentor at PEAK Parent Center, will talk about creating healthy family dynamics and what to do when one child in your family requires more time and energy than the others